Spyder's Random Things: Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love

And I mean fucking LOVE. When these songs come on, White People look at each other and say "Awwww yeah" or "Hell yeah" and are compelled to sing along. Sometimes there’s also a corresponding stupid dance move.

The Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love

10. Positive K - I Got A Man

White People’s most beloved rap duet.

White Girls in particular love this song because it gives them a chance to playfully reject a male suitor’s advances on the dance floor before blowing him at the end of the night. It’s empowering.

9. Digital Underground - The Humpty Dance

Humpty Hump was rap music’s greatest alter ego and actually a good MC but all White People know (and love) him for is "I like my oatmeal lumpy," and "Burger King bathroom."

Fucking White People.

8. Biz Markie - Just A Friend

Oh my god do White People love this song. Particularly frat boys. Why? I don’t know.

Unlike most of his peers on this list, the Biz is a guy long deep in the hip hop scene with lots of cred, yet to White People he’ll only ever be that fat funny-looking black guy with the wig who sings bad.

7. Young MC - Bust A Move

I believe there is a law that requires this song be played at every Rock n’ Bowl.

Like that the police shut down the bowling alley if it doesn’t comply.

6. Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock - It Takes Two

Knowing the words up to "I get stupid, I mean outrageous" is standard and unremarkable.

Knowing everything up through the hook means you’ll be frenching at 80s Night.

5. Naughty By Nature - Hip Hop Hooray

Before he was shooting porn and marrying/divorcing Pepa (a near miss on this list herself), Treach was teaching White People the world over how to wave their arms from side to side above their heads while singing nursery rhymes.

Hip Hop Hooray is not only a great way to melodically celebrate life, it’s something to buy airbrushed on a T-shirt when you’re at the beach for a week on your summer vacation to show that you’re down.

4. Tag Team - Whoomp (There It Is)

Man, what was the fucking story about this song and the other one that came out at exactly the same time by, I believe, 95 South called "Whoot There It Is?" Somebody fucked somebody else over big time there.

The weird thing about this song - ubiquitous and beloved by Wisconsin grandmothers that it is - is that its lyrics contain the words "motherfucking," "nigga," "shit," and references to smoking dank. Crazy!

3. Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby

This one song on the list that White People pretend to only like ironically. Don’t be fooled: deep down White People still think Ice is 110% gangsta.

2. House of Pain - Jump Around

White People will never be completely comfortable with Black Music so anytime they’re given the opportunity to like a song by one of their own race they go fucking overboard (see this record and all five thousand Eminem songs).

If you’ve ever seen Black People comedy, you’ll be familiar with the notion that White People have no rhythm and can’t dance. This is true. That’s why they will embrace with both honky arms any song that makes it OK for them to not actually dance during it or that tells them exactly what to do and when to do it.

If you go to a club and this fucking song comes on all the White People will literally jump around. I fucking promise you.

1. Sir Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back

Go to a karaoke bar - get the song list - check the rap section - if there’s only one song, this is the song - every fucking time, this is the song.

This, like a number of the other raps songs White People love, features prominently sexual themes addressed in a humorous fashion. I think it’s White People’s inherent prudish squareness that makes them get all giddy about "naughty" rapper songs.

Honorable Mention

In ~~no particular~~ alphabetical order:

2 Live Crew: Me So Horny - Too dirty for Old White People (a significant percentage of All White People) to make the list. But man, how times have changed - remember the reaction to this shit when it came out? Florida was ready to lynch Uncle Luke. Today he’s Jeb Bush’s golfing buddy.

50 Cent: In Da Club - Fiddy!

Arrested Development: People Everyday - "Tennessee" has the more famous name but it’s not the one that fifteen years later is still being played every night in every club in Ecuador (and probably other backwards countries too). Ditto Madonna’s "Like A Prayer," but that’s a different list.

Beastie Boys: Girls/Brass Monkey/(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party) - White People collectively love all three of these songs but not individually enough to crack the top ten.

Black Sheep - The Choice Is Yours (This Or That): Not quite famous enough to make the list, but man is it ever fun to say "You can get with this / or you can get with that" a hundred times in three minutes.

Juvenile: Back That Ass Up - As you can see, it’s basically impossible for White People to truly love your rap song if it’s less than a decade old. Still, Juvenile got close with this one which features a verse from a significantly Lil’-er Wayne.

Lil’ Jon and the Eastside Boyz: Get Low - HHH v2 with the arm movements plus what other song lets you yell about jizz to total strangers?

Nelly: Hot in Herre - Again with the whites getting titillated by suggestive lyrics. Nelly is the white Justin Timberlake.

Notorious B.I.G.: Big Poppa - You know, ’cause White People can be 350-pound black gangsta romeos too (actually by definition they cannot).

Puff Daddy: It’s All About The Benjamins - Diddy!

Salt n’ Pepa: Push It - This and "Let’s Talk About Sex" ruled the roller rinks back in the day but neither could get these gals into the Top 10. Still, much respect to the pair (or triumvirate if you count Spinderella’s stinking ass) for being the women that got the closest.

Tone Loc: Wild Thing - Wild Thing or Funky Cold Medina? Wild gets the nod since the only words 99% of people know to Funky Cold Medina are "Funky Cold Medina."

Tupac Shakur: California Love - Had to have a 2Pac song on this list. I think White People love Pac because he makes them feel like they’ve lost a friend to gang violence.