Saturday, July 26, 2008

Having a Rough Time Fitting Into Your Speed-o This Summer?

The answer is here ...

The finest penis-reduction placebos, shipped to you in boxes emblazoned with their logo in very large type so that the world knows you have a huge schlong. It's natural male ego enhancement at its finest!

Penis Reduction Pills ( 90 day supply )
Starting at: $16.95
Our flagship product, but more! Three bottles, each containing around a 30 day supply of our un-patented penis reduction placebos, with a bright label giving the correct dosages, warnings, and other necessary information. Our company name and "Penis Reduction Pills" appear prominently and should be easily visible to most folks. While we don't know why you need three bottles when you can just refill the first one with whatever candy, we're more than happy to send you a triple for more money.

We ship this to you in our deluxe 8" x 8" x 8" box, which has our logo displayed on all six exterior surfaces in at least 36 pt type (as shown below).

The Story:

Penis Reduction Pills was founded in 1946 by Richard Redigo and Piccolo Pene, two men who met while fighting against Germany during the Second World War. Both men had found while marching towards Berlin that many of the area women would not sleep with them, even though they were brave and noble soldiers, and concluded that the problem must be that the women had been told by the German propaganda machine that American and Italian men had freakishly large penii. Knowing this to be false, as both Richard and Piccolo ( Pic, for short ) were only slightly larger than average ( unless it was quite cold outside ), they spent many an evening drinking beer after the long days of shooting at Germans.

Eventually, they thought of a solution, one based on Richard's background as an advertising man and Piccolo's occupation before the war of swindling tourists. "Fight fire with more fire!" is how Richard put it, and the idea of placebo penis reduction pills was born. Soon, each man was up to his average-sized schlong in women, each of whom was more than happy to spend a scandalous evening with one of the two of them after learning the men had been taking their penis reduction pills.

After the war, Richard returned to the states, and soon was joined by Piccolo who convinced US immigration that he knew a lot about the German missle and space program in spite of not knowing how to speak German. The two soon set up a small company in Duluth, Minnesota where they began advertising their "Patented Penis Reducing Pills" in the back of Popular Science.

Sales were lackluster for the first couple years, and the men survived at a variety of odd jobs. However, the dawn of the sexual revolution and rock music in the 1960s brought the topic of sex into the public sphere, and more men ( and women ) were willing to discuss the penis size problems. Orders slowly picked up, until one day Elvis Presley was rumored to be a customer of the company ( he wasn't, at the time; later sources believe his friends ordered the pills for him under false names ). After this, sales skyrocketed and Richard and Piccolo were recognized as great American inventors by Time Magazine, which listed the penis reduction pill as one of the great discoveries of 1966.

Richard married his high school sweetheart, while Piccolo had a series of tawdry affairs over his life. Richard had two children, both boys, and named them Richard Redigo Jr. and Richard Redigo Jr #2. Piccolo likely had many children but was never certain. Sales jumped in 1968 when NASA revealed that the astronauts took penis reduction pills with them into space. Both men lived comfortably into the late 1970s, still running the original Penis Reduction Pills catalog service.

Eventually, calamity struck, and in this case it happened in the early 1980s, as America swung to the right with the election of Ronald Reagan, whose "America is #1" programs began to turn the tide. Suddenly, having a huge penis wasn't seen as a bad thing, and hard times fell on the company and on Piccolo and Richard. Piccolo passed away in 1984, in New York City, under suspicious circumstances in Time Square. Richard watched his sales plummet, and the company was quietly closed in 1987. Richard died later that year, a broken man, mostly because while skiing at Vail he turned down a black rated slope on the way to his first skiing lesson.

That would have been the end of the story, except for the rest of it that came afterwards. In 2007, Penis Reduction Pills was brought back by Richard Redigo Jr #8 ( the third son of Richard Redigo Jr. #2 ). Sales again started slow, but picked up a lot in the second week when someone accidentally ordered some off the website using a stolen credit card. The first real order came in their fifth week, and quickly sales were high enough to allow Richard to afford coffee, unless he wanted to get the vente.

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